1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,795 ? It seems today that all you see ? 2 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,174 ? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ? 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,886 ? But where are those good old-fashioned values ? 4 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,847 ? On which we used to rely? ? 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,309 ? Lucky there's a family guy ? 6 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,604 ? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ? 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ? All the things that make us ? 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ? Laugh and cry ? 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ? 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,743 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:41,415 So this is sports. 12 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,917 Where's the hosiery? 13 00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:45,711 Hi. I'm a 15-year-old wild card, and... 14 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,297 Well, let's get you a gun already! 15 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:50,967 Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're finally doing 16 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,927 something positive for your health. 17 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,512 What do you think about this treadmill? 18 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:55,638 Yeah, this one's good. 19 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:58,599 Let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta. 20 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,269 Excuse me, sir... Oh, oh, you're helping someone else. 21 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,436 I'll be with you in one second. 22 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:03,813 Yeah, no, no. You're busy, I see. 23 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,856 Help him, then help her, then whoever's after them. 24 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,193 I'll just wait here and feel the running shirts. 25 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:10,736 Sir, do you need help? 26 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,489 I'm waiting for Josh. 27 00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,202 What the hell? 28 00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,747 Peter, what the hell is that? 29 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,708 It's my new pitching machine, Lois. 30 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:26,460 And look, it can turn our car into a silly tank! 31 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,671 Watch me nail Cleveland. 32 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,716 I got one, too, bitch! 33 00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:35,761 All right, Chris, time for your old man 34 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,388 to teach you how to swing a bat. 35 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:40,224 But I've been playing Little League since I was seven. 36 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,267 Oh, that's all right. 37 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,477 After all, this is about father-son bonding 38 00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:44,979 and not about hitting you in the nuts 39 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,772 to get on America's Funniest Home Videos. 40 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,066 Wait, why are you pointing the pitching machine 41 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,110 at my crotch? Ah! Hey! 42 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,487 Come on, Chris. You and me up there at AFV 43 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,531 in boxy, six-button suits. 44 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:58,618 The kings of 1991, just for one night. 45 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:01,662 Or will it be "Two Balls One Strike," 46 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,790 submitted by Peter Griffin of Quahog, Rhode Island? 47 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,667 And the winner is... 48 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,461 "Fainting Groom," 49 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,379 sent in by Kevin and Lisa Tarczynski 50 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:11,922 of Berkley, Michigan. 51 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,890 "...but it turns out, the real Dianetics was 52 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:23,851 the friends he made along the way." 53 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:29,398 Uh-oh. 54 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,816 Stand back. 55 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,236 The pitching machine is the only plumber we'll need. 56 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:04,392 And... I'm waking up outside again. 57 00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,435 Got to sleep to grow, guys. 58 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,146 Got to sleep to grow. 59 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:14,318 Oh, thanks for letting us stay here, Daddy. 60 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,113 We'll be out of your hair as soon as the house dries out. 61 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,906 You know, Carter, we don't mean to be a bother. 62 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,366 Why don't we just stay at a hotel, 63 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:21,617 and you pay for the hotel 64 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,202 and it should be the LEGOLAND hotel? 65 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,328 I'm not giving you money 66 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,414 for almost drowning my daughter and grandchildren. 67 00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,416 Besides, I have to leave town for a couple days, 68 00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:30,835 and I need someone I can trust to look after the place. 69 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,628 Where's Babs? Why can't she do it? 70 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,588 I don't know. The ransom note didn't say. 71 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,882 Daddy, I didn't know you were leaving town. 72 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,926 - Where are you going? - Ah, just some funeral. 73 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,636 I'll be back in a couple of days. 74 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,138 I left food out for the butlers, 75 00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,515 just change their litter boxes tomorrow if you think of it. 76 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,058 A funeral? Who died? 77 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,768 Just a... just an old family friend. 78 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:48,978 Don't worry about it. 79 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:52,398 Oh, a family friend? Was it someone I knew? 80 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,608 All right, look, I didn't want to say anything, 81 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:57,153 but it was Meredith, your old nanny. 82 00:03:57,154 --> 00:04:00,072 Meredith? Oh, I loved that woman. 83 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,241 I was so sad when she quit. 84 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,535 Wow, Lois, you were lucky to have a nanny. 85 00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,245 My mom just left me with a radio 86 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,581 possessed by the former owner of our home. 87 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,207 Can I have a snack? 88 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:13,586 You're sitting where I died. 89 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,463 Why are you even going, Daddy? 90 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:18,299 People always want the richest person they ever worked for 91 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:19,467 to attend their funeral. 92 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,218 They'll be, like, "Oh, my God, a rich person! 93 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,345 I guess it's okay he's talking on his phone." 94 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,765 Well, I can't miss Meredith's funeral. 95 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,224 Yeah, I'd better go, too. 96 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:28,726 But I need you to watch the house! 97 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,811 Oh, Peter and the kids are more than capable 98 00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:32,104 of watching the house. 99 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,731 Kids? They're staying? 100 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:36,025 - But they love funerals! - Peter, enough. 101 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,860 Daddy, I'm coming with you. 102 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,112 Fine. Ass, gas, or grass? 103 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,990 - No one rides free. - I guess... gas? 104 00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:45,327 That's what all the prudes say. 105 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,581 Did you know this house is so large 106 00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,082 there's a 12-second echo? 107 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,250 What are you talking about? 108 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:55,753 The acoustics are such that it takes the human voice 109 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,005 12 seconds to bounce back as an echo. 110 00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,840 That's ridiculous. Not even the Grand Canyon has a... 111 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,717 Did you know this house is so large 112 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,093 there's a 12-second echo? 113 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,095 - Ridiculous, huh? - Okay, I'm hearing it now. 114 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,847 Well, next time, maybe don't doubt me 115 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,307 when I tell you the acoustics are such 116 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,893 that it takes 12 seconds for the human voice to travel. 117 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,937 I think we should hang some blankets in the hallway. 118 00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,188 Ridiculous, huh? 119 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:15,272 Okay, I'm hearing it now. 120 00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:16,982 Guys, I have a great idea. 121 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,611 That's weird. That fart was from yesterday. 122 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,154 Great idea, Peter! 123 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,698 Listen, I was thinking, what if we make some extra cash 124 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,700 by turning this place into a hotel? 125 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,077 Great idea, Peter! 126 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:29,119 Awesome! We're all in! 127 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,580 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go apologize 128 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:34,416 to the hotel towels for what's about to happen to 'em. 129 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:37,586 Men, tonight you will have one last night of peace. 130 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:38,921 I won't lie to you, 131 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:41,423 a hotel guest has no regard for your life. 132 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,759 That means some of you will not be coming back. 133 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,303 Those who do will never be one color again. 134 00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:48,013 Now, here are your assignments: 135 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,723 Anderson, you're late-night vomit. 136 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,350 Russo, you'll be in the ladies' room. 137 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,060 Ooh! 138 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,854 All right, knock it off, at ease. 139 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,939 Edwards, you're gonna be folded into a monkey 140 00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:58,691 at the foot of the bed, and then (BLEEP) on. 141 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,568 Look at Edwards, he's into it! 142 00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:03,154 - Ooh! - At ease! 143 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:12,872 Well, it'll be nice to have a little road trip together. 144 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,165 Yeah, we never had a lot of daddy-daughter time 145 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,334 when I was young. You were always so busy. 146 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,044 Not now, kitten. 147 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,130 Oh, look! 148 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:25,427 That's just like the pond Meredith used to take me to. 149 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:29,221 I miss her so much. 150 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,433 Yeah, I could always talk to her when I was having a hard time. 151 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,353 Lois, what's wrong? 152 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:39,106 All the kids at school said I'm MADtv funny 153 00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,983 and not SNL funny. 154 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,819 Oh, Lois, kids can be so mean. 155 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,654 Have you ever heard the story 156 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,948 - of "The Ugly Duckling?" - No. 157 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,492 Well, there once was a young duckling 158 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:53,495 who had a hard time fitting in, just like you. 159 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,373 And one day, that duckling went off to college 160 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:59,084 and created a website to rate women. 161 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,420 Then he made $100 billion 162 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,173 and mined user data to rig an election. 163 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:08,427 Wow! So am I also gonna be a billionaire making websites? 164 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,847 No, but you'll use his site to post pictures of wine 165 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:14,851 and passive-aggressively body-shame other moms. 166 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,482 All right, for this hotel operation to work, 167 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,484 we all got to pull our weight around here. 168 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:26,111 Chris, you'll be the affable but dim bellhop. 169 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,614 When you say, "Help those people with their bags," 170 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,658 I'll ask, "How high?" 171 00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:32,117 Brian, you'll tend the bar 172 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:34,244 and dole out snappy tidbits of advice. 173 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:36,246 All right! Stop by Brian's Bar 174 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,582 for some drinks, thinks and winks. 175 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,876 We can... we-we can pitch on it. 176 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,544 Uh, Meg, you'll handle all the dish washing, 177 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,505 floor scrubbing, laundry, and anything else 178 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,507 that involves breathing in chemicals. 179 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,884 And I'll be the concierge, astutely learning 180 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:51,011 everything there is to know about our guests. 181 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,888 That will be my one task. 182 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,015 Well, that and looking out for Dunstons. 183 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:57,518 - What? - Dunstons. They'll check in. 184 00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,395 They'll check right in. 185 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,190 Ah, and here come our guests now! 186 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,657 First to arrive is Tom Tucker, 187 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,159 here to celebrate the anniversary of his divorce 188 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,828 with his annual bender. 189 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:18,080 Doctor Hartman and his overbearing mother. 190 00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:19,289 They never travel apart. 191 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,916 If he could just meet the right woman, 192 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,918 he'd find the independence he needs. 193 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:26,463 Ah, Principal Shepherd, newly single. 194 00:08:26,464 --> 00:08:28,717 Lost half the school in the divorce. 195 00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:33,679 The Librarian, never married. 196 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,222 Adult Disney woman. 197 00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,849 First kiss was with a boy at theater camp 198 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,560 who would one day get beaten up by David Hyde Pierce 199 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:41,520 for being too fancy. 200 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,772 I say, Brian, do you know what these guests need? 201 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,482 First to arrive is Tom Tucker, 202 00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,568 here to celebrate the anniversary of his divorce... 203 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,361 Damn it, I guess the blanket fell down. 204 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,030 Well, I've got 12 seconds. 205 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,406 What these guests need is someone to arrange 206 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:54,116 a little romance in their lives. 207 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,784 And I'm the perfect man for the job. 208 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,412 After all, I do all of Kevin Spacey's matchmaking. 209 00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:02,332 So, you're not interested in having sex with Kevin Spacey? 210 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,878 Oh, good, Kevin's going to love that. 211 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,215 Hey, you know anything about podcasts? 212 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:12,009 I've been getting into podcasts. 213 00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,803 That's great! I love podcasts. 214 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,346 Which ones are you listening to? 215 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,849 I really like this one called Cereal. 216 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,479 That was corn flakes. 217 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,980 Or was it? 218 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,982 The answer at the bottom of the bowl 219 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,942 isn't always what you expect. 220 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,070 I'm Sarah Koenig, and this... 221 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:34,907 ...is Cereal. 222 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,411 Dad! Dad! 223 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,872 I-I think I mixed up Mayor West's bags 224 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:43,332 with Bruce and Jeffrey's! 225 00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,000 Leather chaps. 226 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:47,086 Saddle. Bullwhip. 227 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,630 Rope. Sheriff's badges. 228 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:54,301 Saddlebags. Saddle soap. Fancy boots. 229 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:56,012 - Yep, this is ours. - Yep, this is mine. 230 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,559 All right, Brian, I've devised a way 231 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,145 to get the Librarian and Doctor Hartman together. 232 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,563 You see, I've prepared a batch 233 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,857 of Martha Stewart's chokiest scones. 234 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:11,568 So when the Librarian eats one, she'll start choking, 235 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,737 and Doctor Hartman over there will save her 236 00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:14,864 with the Heimlich maneuver. 237 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,575 Here she comes! 238 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,161 Oh, these are going to go 239 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:23,330 straight to my thighs. 240 00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:26,166 Now if only I could find a man to do the same. 241 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:29,796 Oh. 242 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:33,090 Ooh, these are a little... 243 00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:35,175 These are a little dry. 244 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,225 Okay, remain calm. 245 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,811 I've done this before. Stop, drop and roll. 246 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,648 N-No, wait. No, wait. I know this. 247 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,483 Okay, remember your medical training. 248 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,403 "If a patient chokes on food, do the tummy-squeezy move." 249 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,529 Yep, that-that-that's it! 250 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:04,079 You-you saved my life! 251 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,832 Oh, how can I ever repay you? 252 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:10,836 Money? 253 00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:14,006 May I have your attention, please? 254 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,426 I believe you dropped this. 255 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,846 The blueberries are still intact. 256 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,807 Shame to let something so sweet go to waste. 257 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,018 Oh! Thank you, sir. 258 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,519 Uh-oh, Brian, looks like we've got 259 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,688 a love triangle on our hands. 260 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,607 I'll treasure this forever. 261 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,859 Well, don't wait too long. 262 00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:37,446 It'll liquefy from the enzymes in your saliva. 263 00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:47,122 Okay, last load. 264 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,416 Chris, will you help me fold these sheets? 265 00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,252 - Sure, sounds easy. - They're fitted. 266 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,459 All right, I got to find a bathroom 267 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,296 because that's mostly what life is after 60. 268 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,514 Oh. Excuse me. 269 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,474 Oh, no, it's my fault, really. 270 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:50,686 I have a brain thing where I go blind every 45 seconds. 271 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,814 Hi, I'm Jacqueline. I'm Meredith's sister. 272 00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:56,942 Really? Oh, it's so nice to meet you. 273 00:12:56,943 --> 00:13:00,362 I'm Lois. I-I'm so sorry for your loss. 274 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:03,699 Meredith was my nanny a long time ago. 275 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,992 Oh, is that right? 276 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,327 Oh, that... well, that's so nice of you to make the trip. 277 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,497 You see, Meredith... Dark, darkness, 278 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:13,125 darkness, just ride it out. 279 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,127 And... we're back! 280 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,462 Meredith loved her time as a nanny. 281 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:21,758 It's a shame she had to give it up after the affair. 282 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,760 Affair? 283 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,471 I know. We try not to talk about it. 284 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,890 Some rich guy in Rhode Island. 285 00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:31,643 They were seeing each other, but then his wife found out 286 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,562 and forced him to fire her. 287 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,483 So that's what happened. 288 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,277 Tragic, isn't it? 289 00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:42,738 She had nowhere to go, so she came back here 290 00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,866 to our childhood home of ThreeStatesAway. 291 00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,534 I don't believe it. 292 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,953 I don't believe the Earth is round, so that's me. 293 00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:52,998 Oh, excuse me, the funeral director is here. 294 00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,043 I'm trying to avoid paying him. 295 00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:58,587 Daddy and Meredith had an affair? 296 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,505 That's why she left me! 297 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:01,798 Oh, this is horrible. 298 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,925 I have to call my husband. 299 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,261 Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Lois. 300 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,263 - Peter?! - I'll transfer you. 301 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,517 The Spa at Pewterschmidt Hotel, don't tell Mom. 302 00:14:12,518 --> 00:14:14,644 - Chris?! - I'll transfer you. 303 00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:20,400 - Pewterschmidt Hotel laundry. - Meg? 304 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,820 - Mom? - Yeah, I'll transfer you. 305 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:31,036 Daddy, you had an affair with Meredith? 306 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,412 How could you? 307 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,414 Lois, honey, you don't understand. 308 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,041 The horn part in "Sussudio" 309 00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,377 gave your mother a headache that lasted five years. 310 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,920 What was I supposed to do? 311 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,546 Yeah, I don't want to hear it. 312 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,799 Do you have any idea what that woman meant to me? 313 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,427 While you were off working or golfing or God knows what, 314 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,429 she was at my piano recitals 315 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,723 or-or teaching me how to tie my shoes. 316 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,725 She was the only person in that house 317 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,561 who was really there for me, and you took her away! 318 00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,480 Well, what was I supposed to tell you, 319 00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,482 how many Viagras and what position? 320 00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:03,820 Six, and something I call "The Old Pocketknife." 321 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:09,533 Evening. 322 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,494 I'm looking forward to the doctor being in. 323 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:15,205 Oh. 324 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:16,456 Hello, there. 325 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:19,209 Maybe I could see you between periods. 326 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:21,378 Oh. 327 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:23,130 Looks like you've got your hands full. 328 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,423 You're telling me. 329 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,591 I just don't know what to do. 330 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,510 Well, who do you think I should choose? 331 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,637 Well, if it were me in this situation, 332 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,391 I'd just go along for the ride and see what happens. 333 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,226 That's it? That's your advice? 334 00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:37,727 Well, it's just what I... 335 00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,647 You know, I'm trying to take some agency in my life, 336 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:43,650 and you're over here telling me to just "see what happens." 337 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:46,194 - That's not helpful. - Threesome? 338 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,946 Excuse me? 339 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,240 Uh, not with me! 340 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:51,617 With me? 341 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,579 Before we begin our service, 342 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,123 I'd like to remind everyone that I became a priest 343 00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:01,877 after my divorce, so yes, I have had intercourse. 344 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,963 To start things off... 345 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:08,383 Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight? 346 00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,051 Oh, I misheard that completely. 347 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:13,013 I've just been told that a special friend of our Meredith 348 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,932 has made a long trip just to be here today. 349 00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:19,644 I'd like to ask Lois Griffin to say a few words. 350 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,231 That's the daughter of the richest man 351 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,901 the dead lady ever worked for. 352 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,320 Hi, I'm Lois Griffin. 353 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,906 I, uh, I-I just wanted to be here today 354 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:33,783 to say goodbye to Meredith and thank you. 355 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:37,662 Thank you for raising me, and-and-and for being there 356 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,664 when no one else was. 357 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,666 That's why I was so hurt when you left, 358 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,460 and I always held it against you, 359 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:46,922 but now I realize I-it wasn't your fault. 360 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,340 You know she can't hear you, right? 361 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,509 But no matter what happened, Meredith, 362 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,178 thank you for being my teacher. 363 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:55,138 Even today, you're teaching me 364 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,601 that the people you love most of all can still betray you. 365 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:05,190 And now, a reading from Paul's letter to the Corinthians. 366 00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:07,400 "Dear Corinthians, camp is good. 367 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,694 "Yesterday we had hot dogs. 368 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,947 "Please send strawberry Big League Chew 369 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:15,033 but wrap it in a towel because we're not allowed to have it." 370 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,494 - Amen. - Amen. 371 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,780 Hey, it's Pewterschmidt. 372 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:56,324 You still have that all-night construction crew? 373 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:57,867 I need a favor. 374 00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,287 Hey, you owe me. I picked you up from LAX. 375 00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:03,665 You have to do anything I ever ask for the rest of time. 376 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:13,883 Ah, there's our belle of the ball. 377 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,845 And she's chosen a suitor! 378 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,268 Well, you two look happy. 379 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:25,770 - How'd you decide? - Money. 380 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:29,733 But I do feel bad for leaving Principal Shepherd all alone. 381 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,776 Oh, you leave that to me. 382 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:35,281 I may have one more clever scheme hidden up my sleeve. 383 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,549 Oh, my. 384 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,385 This may be one of my ocular migraines talking, 385 00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:59,054 but I see fireworks. 386 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,514 Can I ask, is that licorice on your breath, 387 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,558 or is that just my licorice breath 388 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,560 bouncing out of your mouth? 389 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,729 Why don't you get in here and find out? 390 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,575 Wha... Oh, are we home? 391 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:22,118 Why aren't we going up the driveway? 392 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,705 Come on. I have to show you something first. 393 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,141 - Daddy, what is this? - It's yours. 394 00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:49,313 I had to call in a favor or two, but it's all for you. 395 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:55,235 I figured you can come here to sit whenever you miss Meredith. 396 00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,779 Daddy, this is beautiful. 397 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,239 I'm sorry, Lois. 398 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,409 You were right, people you love can betray you. 399 00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:05,662 But if they're rich enough, they can buy apology ponds. 400 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:07,748 Thank you, Daddy. 401 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:14,921 Oh, no, Rafael, the old gardener, died. 402 00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:16,840 I have a story I have to tell you 403 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:19,844 and, spoiler alert, you'll be getting another pond. 404 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,977 Well, Dad, I guess our hotel worked out, 405 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:31,062 and we actually made a decent profit. 406 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:34,023 We sure did, son, but we still got work to do. 407 00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,735 Hi, everybody, I'm your karaoke host, Peter Griffin. 408 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,987 I will be up here far too many times tonight. 409 00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:40,697 Just a quick reminder to all of you 410 00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,240 that even though we haven't started yet, 411 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,159 there's already an hour and 45-minute wait. 412 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,494 So go ahead and write down the song you want to sing, 413 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:47,871 hand it to me, and I will let 414 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,165 15 musical theater people go before you. 415 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:51,416 Remember, no repeats. 416 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,251 We want to give everybody a chance to sing, 417 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,504 although there will be the same rotation of five people up here 418 00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:58,006 over and over doing duets. 419 00:20:58,007 --> 00:21:00,508 All right, who's ready for me to kick things off 420 00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,595 and then go third and sixth?